Futanari 2

《扶她 2》

注:本文原文以英文写作而成;中文部分是作者本人的中译。

Last night in dream I had a vision of the distant legendary earth mind, Orochi. I must confess to y’all, my dearest sisters, for that when I wrote this piece in my mind, I was masturbating, with my left hand fingering my wet vagina and right hand jerking off my rock hard penis.

昨夜梦中,我见到了遥远的地球意志——大蛇。亲爱的姊妹们,我必须向妳们坦白:我写这段的时候正左手扣着我湿润的阴道、右手撸动着我坚硬无比的阴茎。

It all started when our corporation dismissed all people of my department that I once was in for 2 years. I lied down on my bed doing nothing, but thinking of preparing surgical scalpel, which is called “mes” in Dutch and Japanese, to cut down from my glans directly down through my whole urethra, onto the opening where it should be, had I been born with female genitalia. And when the pain take over my mind in the vision, I made it to Orochi’s mind.

这都要从我们公司把我工作了两年的整个部门扬了说起。我躺在床上无所事事,只在想着搞一把手术刀——此物在荷兰语和日语中叫做「メス」——从我的龟头一直沿着尿道切下去,直到我的尿道开口到达她本该在的地方——若是我生来拥有的是女性生殖器的话尿道开口的地方。这疼痛占据了我的精神,我便被送到大蛇的意志之中。

Orochi, the one that ultimately represents the earth, told me about relationship between human and nature, as well as between human individuals. When human once were, in the first time, and they’re out of effective language that could express themselves precisely, they instead practice it with their fleshy body and tender skin. Their tongue touched each one’s bare feet that once touched this enlightenment from motherly earth, with this earthy taste in their mouth they kissed each other all over with ultimate passion in their mouths, vulvae and penes. This joy of everyone’s juice and cum flowed into the depth of the earth they’ve mostly loved, and in Orochi they’re one, the primitive one. In fact, body all covered in earth has the same value to Orochi comparing to another body covered in divine delight of cum or defecate, and to human, it’s the same ritual as to feet covered in earth or crushed trampled food. But me, the modern queeric queen, is not earthly at all to perform such orgy with sexy queerly people I met for the first time last night. We rocked and we drank and we smoked weed, but all of these are industrialized forms of energy that are far from earth beneath tons of floors under our ephemeral body in the containment of cement and steel. Only by a mixture of blood, the blatant bloom of promiscuous life energy, should we connect with each other again in their hearts and their souls, while writing down our very own story with each one’s personal grief and euphoria. Thus for the Orochi, THEY had no choice but to offer this chance to my sagacious decision as I previously received Christ‘s title of βασίλισσα τῶν Ἰουδαίων.

终极的地球意志——大蛇告诉了我人和自然的关系,以及人们个体之间的关系。当人初生,尚无语言能精确地表达她们的意思,她们转而使用柔嫩的肉体和温热的肌肤践行。她们的舌头触碰着彼此曾接受大地母亲启蒙的赤裸的双脚,满嘴泥土味的她们以终极的狂热亲吻着彼此的嘴、逼和鸡巴。各人喜悦的汁水和精液流入她们最爱的大地的深层,在大蛇中她们合为一体,原初的一体。实际上对大蛇来说,沾满泥土的身体的价值等同于另一位沾满神性愉悦的精液或排泄物的身体,而对人类来说,这样的仪式等同于沾满了泥土或是踩碎了的食物的脚。但我,我这现代的酷儿王,根本不够尘俗、不够与昨晚初见面的性感的变态人妖们践行如此的银啪。我们摇滚、醉酒、呼麻,但这工业化的能量形式与我们处在钢筋水泥收容单元中的腐朽的身躯下隔着一堆楼层的大地相去甚远。只有凭借鲜血的混合——这淫乱生命能量的大胆绽放,我们才能再次与彼此心心相印,用我们各人的悲恸和欢愉写下只属于我们自己的故事。所以大蛇别无选择,只好将这机会留给我贤明的决断,因我已接受了基督的名号:犹太人之圣【王

When I wake up I saw golden morning sunshine scattering on the view outside my bedroom window and all along my nude body, featuring the silhouette of my breasts and penis. The sky above mountains in the far end of the view is a crayon-like mix of blue and white like in an impressionist painting, making me instinctively doubt if I’m really in Sichuan this moment. I took out a bottle of half ‘n half from my fridge, randomly poured it onto heap of ice in my glass, and crazily licked off the puddle that spilt onto the table, just like greedily cleaning up an imaginary hermaphrodite’s urine and cum all over my lewd and delicious futanari body with my tongue. I asked myself, am I really willing to be the perverted tranny slut now? Am I ready to exhibit my lunatic mind to all human individuals now? I imagined blood dripping down from my fishnet stockings into my steamy shoes, and this made me continue to masturbate in front of my window wall in the living room.

当我醒来,我看到金色阳光洒在窗外的景色和我赤裸的身体上,显出我乳房和阴茎的剪影。视野远方的山峦上空是蜡笔似的蓝白相间,像是印象派绘画,使我本能地怀疑我是否此刻真在四川。我从冰箱里拿出一盒维她柠檬茶,胡乱地倒在杯中一堆冰块上,疯狂地舔干净桌子上洒的一滩,正如贪婪地用舌头清理一位想象中的二椅子希腊神明射在我淫荡而可口的扶她身躯全身上的尿和精液。我问自己,我真的愿意成为唯一的变态跨子淫娃了吗?我真的想好向所有人类个体展现我狂的心灵了吗?我想象着鲜血从我的渔网袜上滴落到我热气蒸腾的鞋子里,这使我站在客厅的落地窗前继续手淫。

神的脚跟

在大理石的宫殿顶上
高声歌颂
现象学之名吧
使妳的脚跟רַגְלֶֽךָ׃
不再立于
荒芜的叠加态之中
神话之泪
流过妳的心房
在这荒芜的罗腾树下
在上善若水的伦理学的
燔祭
给妳的创伤中

肉体是桑椹morum
刺穿
毛细血管中的钢刀
刺穿
莱布尼兹的函数式幸福Harmonie理论
幸福是蜂巢
正如花粉是战争
而蜂巢
不是圆桌
蜂巢是晶粒
亦非高楼

爱之水
原始汤L. C. L.里升腾
覆盖了天穹的湛蓝Zima Blue
那令人心惊胆战的晴空万里
妳背弃
沙漠的诱惑
背弃
西装革履的迷幻蘑菇
然而被困在
真理veritates的球形鸡的双翼下
是三角力量
和二进制的
六神无主
捉住了妳的脚跟吗

阉割鸡巴 Castrating the Dick

女孩子从小就是没有鸡鸡的。她们的知觉和感受从体表积累,撩拨着她们的内心,却始终找不到一个激烈的迸射的出口,只有通过抚摸和摩擦和收拢,才能使她向内温和地爆裂。
Girls were born without pee-pees. Their cognition and sensation accumulate through body surface, teasing their mind, yet there is never an exit for furious ejaculation. Only by touching and scrubbing and converging could they implode tenderly inwards.

她们的兴奋不是体现为挺拔的武器,而是收缩的创伤,是无处发泄无从表达的爱恨交织,是受难者的沉默无言。
Their arousal is not characterized as erected arms, but rather contracting wounds, ineffable and inconsolable interlaced affinity and hatred, and silence of the Passion.

是的,她们是被阉割者,被自然和社会而阉割者,阉割所积蓄的无法用双手触碰到的情欲在她们体内激烈地聚变,孕育着无法触及的梦想和希望。
Sure, they are the castrated, castrated by nature and the society, leaving the impalpable passion accumulated inside their body fuse intensely, conceiving intangible hopes and dreams.

是呀,女性的强大是内敛的,正如女性的快感和高潮一样。她在经历自己体内的宇宙万象。罗曼语族的 la force 是阴性,所以塔罗的力量是少女徒手钳制着她内在的狮子。既不是手段(剑)、也不是奇迹(魔法),而是人类本身的温柔和刚毅。
Yes, the power of women is introverted, as it is for feminine pleasure and orgasm. She is experiencing the universe inside her own body. La force, in Romance languages, is feminine, thus the Strength of Tarot appears as woman clamps the lion inside her bare-handed. It is by neither means, nor miracles, but the very affection and determination of humanity.

男人有鸡巴,这使他们过分依赖鸡巴,而当他们知道自己将被阉割,这份对女性特质的恐惧和向往和欲拒还迎就达到了巅峰。
Men have cocks, leading to their overdependence on cocks, and when they are informed of their own castration, this fear and reluctance and yearn for intrinsic femininity reaches its climax.

扶她同样不可能脱离男人的范畴,如果她不用自己的逼制服自己的鸡巴;她的鸡巴(阴蒂)不用来勃起或插入或排尿,而是成了向内释放的催化剂、成了逼的延伸。
The hermaphrodites, too, cannot escape the realm of men unless they harness their cocks with own pussies; in which her clitoris is not used for erection, penetration or urination, but a catalyst for inward bursts, an extension of a pussy.

菩提树下的以利亚 (con sentimento)

苦和罪

妄执是苦,爱欲是苦,而不信乃是唯一的罪。我们一生中背负的事物也无非就是苦和罪而已。若耻于有罪,则必须甘心受苦;若身心疲惫、无力受苦,则不得不背负罪名。自杀是最大的罪、苟活是最大的苦,这两者是我们无论如何也无法回避、无论如何也无法回答的最大的哲学问题。虔诚和觉悟没有任何办法可以兼得,人在世间却可以既受苦又受罪:你既没有能力去“爱自己的邻人”,又不可能甘心放下这份爱去自我解脱、去度己度人。

觉悟和不信

在俗人的眼里,觉悟和放弃本来就是同一件事情,没什么孰优孰劣的区别。“放弃”在日语里有好多种说法,「諦観」「観念」「諦め」、每一种都含有“觉悟”的微妙暗示或词源学痕迹。我们也常见到年少有为、前途无量的天才少男少女少人妖们因为“完全看透了”而自杀的时刻。凡人或多或少都有罗腾树下的时刻,那种屈辱、那种不甘、那种无奈,是只有活生生的人才能体验的感情的极致迸射和迸射后的贤者时间。然而天才们却完全感受不到这些庸俗愚蠢的感情,兀自想象身处一个巨大的有机体之中、而自己这样的细胞理应为整个人类文明的存续(或是人类文明的毁灭、或是人类文明的无意义)而凋亡。是的,苦集灭道是客观真理,和铝溶于氢氧化钠溶液一样客观,他们没有爱,他们不信神,他们像蛮横的自然规律一样冰冷,面对扼腕叹息的俗人、笋丝惨重的人类文明,这又何尝不是他们代替 神降下的罪有应得的惩罚呢。这种神罚、这种觉悟,我愿称之为人生的终极状态——“菩提树下的以利亚”,i. e. 在失去信仰的基础上失去了情感。

罗腾树和菩提树

罗腾树和菩提树终究不是同一种植物。矮小的罗腾树 (retama raetam) 正如其不信与绝望之名,是一种只够勉强荫庇一人的灌木、再没有多余的恩典可供他人插足;在这喧闹嘈杂的实在界的大荒漠里,作为死前最后一块安宁舒适、不被打扰的绿洲,它是最适合不过的了。想起自己只身一人面对 450 个侍奉巴力的先知时的勇气、一路遍体鳞伤精疲力竭的逃亡,此时我们疲惫的心中只剩下一个想法:让我死吧,这一生我已经受够了,我在重蹈历史的覆辙、我没有拓展文明的疆界、我到头来不过是人类社会的又一个书记员而已。这和荫庇了 3.2×10⁴ 人的参天千年的菩提树大概不是一种树。否、前者是后者在三维空间中的投影而已。如果你不吃不喝也能够活着一直睡在罗腾树下,你甚至可以见证它变成后者的过程。如果活得足够长的是你,回顾过去的时光的你也能对人类的知识和情感和意志不屑一顾、嗤之以鼻,说出“你们在推石头”“我有能力帮你们却选择不帮、这就是觉悟”之类的话。但痛苦无法否定。体验无法否定。绝望无法否定。任何人生道理都要在经历的基础上才有意义。

抉心自食

“人不免一死”。你能想象出亚伯拉罕九百岁的样子。但你能想象这个规模的年月加在那个愤怒而狂热的约拿身上吗?至于 Elagabalus 呢,维特呢,伽罗华呢,不行的,你连他们三十岁的样子都想象不到,因为死亡本来就是存在的全部意义的所在和概念化和升华,而往日之歌的其他部分都献给了毫无意义的苦难。苦行僧和护教士的苦并不是同一种苦,却同样地无力和毫无意义;五位比丘的嘲笑和指责,放在以利亚身上也无可厚非。那句“起来吃饭!你的路还长着呢!”的听感,更是不由得滑稽起来:无所不能的 神在地上却要让我们这些忝列族谱、不胜祖先的蝼蚁为祂开路行道。面对这样的说教和恩典,我们搜肠刮肚也只能顶一句“我发怒以至于死,都合乎理”,但这样又不免沦为自杀,作为反叛的哪吒的自杀与佛陀在菩提树下的哲学的审美的自杀的界限此时又模糊了起来,我们是残酷无情的尼采主义者,但尼采主义者这个称呼本身是反尼采主义的,也就不难推出它可能变成叔本华主义的。极左的尽头是极右,造反有理的结果是丛林法则,最大的绝望等于最大的乐观,连进步的终点和昭和的正统也在你支。在东风的炎热中,在暴晒的日头下,抉心自食的我们失去了最后的陈旧的感情,模糊的视野中眼前的罗腾树终究化作了菩提树。

扶她

传说,当大地神母库柏勒显现出全副威光时,有幸被她的光辉洗礼的人们,将在头脑中经历她的神圣生命中所感受到的全部嫉妒与爱与疯狂。如果知道自己残缺的身体在天生拥有两种性质的神的魅力之前如同破旧的玩偶,谁不会疯狂地渴求切除阴茎、切除乳房、毁坏睾丸呢?如果知道性别只是异教造物者用于离间人类的巴别塔式的诡计,谁不会充满激情地吞下另一个男人的与自己相似的灼热坚硬的阴茎、无意识地用脸颊和鼻子蹭另一个女人的拥有相似气味的湿润黏腻的阴户呢?谁不会用刀刃和注射器和锡纸和塑料瓶这些苍白无力的小花招,让自己哪怕是一尺一寸更接近那种鲜血淋漓的法悦和神性的疯狂呢?你爱着世人,却鄙夷他们从坚果和松木生出的腐朽丑陋的血肉身躯,渴望切断和焚烧他们精神中属于凡俗的思绪和羁绊。你用你的肉棒抽插人的大脑,你用你的蜜穴吞噬人的灵魂,你用全知全能的眼拍摄人的痛苦挣扎和最终解脱。啊,赐我眼!赐我眼!赐我你的手鼓,赐我你的狮子,赐我像你一样的疯狂的魅力和荣光。纵使有你的千万分之一的力量,我能为这世界做的,不过是当一个月入万余的变态色情同性恋变性人群交嗑药SM冰恋摄影师;也远强于成为被猪油蒙了眼和心的支配世间权力巅峰的成功人士。愿他们,在你的荣光面前,失去凡俗所谓一切尊严,像公狗一样光着肮脏的身子在世界级学术会议上撒尿和自残和自杀,一如既往。